Boggles the Mind Archive

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Taking A Stand Against Ketchup- Subway Worker Refuses To Give In To Ketchup Request, Loses Job

They’re everywhere. The Ketchup rebels are gaining strength against the sandwich traditionalists. The battle has even reached a Subway inside a Walmart in what was thought to be an anti-Ketchup stronghold of Orange County, Florida. Rebel Luis Martinez entered and made his demand

He said he ordered a Philly cheese steak the way he always does.

“American cheese, onions and ketchup,” said Martinez.

Martinez picked the wrong night to advance his pro-Ketchup agenda

Lawrence Ordone was working behind the counter.

“He wants ketchup on the Philly cheese steak and I have never put — we don’t even have ketchup at Subway — I’ve never put ketchup on anybody’s sandwich,” said Ordone.

Martinez said he didn’t want the sandwich without the ketchup and that a man next to him in line offered to buy the sandwich.

Ordone said that Martinez mouthed off at the man.

Martinez denied saying anything, but neither he or Ordone disputed what they said happened next.

“That’s when I flew off the handle,” said Ordone.

“He shoved a chair to the side, like knocked it down to come at me, and I said, ‘This is going to be serious,’” said Martinez.

“I said, ‘Let’s go, fight me like a man,’” said Ordone.

“I was scared. Next thing, I’m thinking a gun’s going to come out,” said Martinez.

Ordone said he blocked the customer so he couldn’t get out.

“He threatened to kill me in front of my wife,” said Martinez.

Martinez called 911, but by the time police got there the Subway worker had already left.

Ordone said he was fired from his job Wednesday, and that he is baffled the confrontation started over something as simple as ketchup.

“There’s ketchup three aisles down. You can go buy your own ketchup, and I promise to God, you can put as much as you want on it and nobody’s going to say nothing,” said Ordone.

And thus ends another indecisive battle in the Ketchup Wars.

 

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Skunk Works- Too Well

Warning, kids- if you’re going to be hanging out with stupid cousins with guns this Halloween, make sure your costume isn’t even remotely realistic.  This is a lesson learned the hard way by a 9 year old girl in New Sewickley, PA on Saturday. The girl, who was dressed as a skunk, was shot in the shoulder by a sober male relative who mistook her for an actual skunk.

Questions aplenty. Who dresses up as a skunk for Halloween? Hasn’t this girl ever heard of princesses, or witches? Who shoots at skunks at a Halloween party? I mean, really, how foolish do you have to be?

One thing ‘re pretty confident about- these two will not be spending Halloween together again, anytime soon.

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Coley Oneal Mitchell: Naked, Drunk Lab Tech- Now With Escaped Monkeys

Coley Oneal Mitchell had a plan. A bad plan. We’re not quite sure what it was, but the 32 year old lab technician was “found drunk, partially nude in locker room while 2 monkeys loose in lab“, so the plan must have been pretty darn bad.

Monkey yawning

Mitchell was arrested and charged with public drunkenness. The university reports:

“No animals were harmed during the incident, but the university takes the allegations very seriously. GHSU does not condone behavior that conflicts with the research, education and clinical missions of the university and employees are expected to conduct themselves, at all times, with integrity and respect.”

We are told the monkeys were not harmed and they were checked by a veterinarian, who reported the monkeys are fine.

 

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Baleful Bailer’s Tail Ends In Jail

A classic tale. Man posts $5000 bond as bail for second man. Second man doesn’t pay back quickly enough. First man beats second man with claw hammer. First man goes to jail on $350,000 bond. Inexplicably, somewhere in the middle, three shots are fired by a third man. The first man, Lanell “Mook” Weeks has been charged with first- and second-degree assault and false imprisonment for his August 15th attack on the second man, Marvin Green.

English: A standard household claw hammer.

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DC Man Orders TV, Gets Assault Rifle Instead

We don’t know if Seth Horvitz enjoys action movies, but his recent attempt to purchase a new television online left him with more action than he bargained for.  Horvitz opened the package he received, and was shocked to discover  not his flat

FAMAS

panel television, but an assault rifle. Horvitz called police who took the weapon, which cannot be legally possessed in Washington DC.  He is unable to return it as well, as it cannot legally be transported.

There is no word yet from Amazon or the seller on what went wrong that caused an assault rifle bound for a Pennsylvania gun shop to end up delivered to the hallway of a Washington DC man awaiting a new TV.  Perhaps they were just giving him a way out from his disappointment upon discovering that even with 500 channels there was still nothing to watch on his new TV. Or perhaps they confused remote control with gun control.

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Women Too Delicate For Manly German Waterslide

Men can reach speeds of up to 72 kilometers per hour on the X-treme Faser water slide at Galaxy Rutschenparadies, which is part of the Therme Erding sauna complex near Munich. Women can watch from the ground and take pictures. Park officials say they moved to ban women from the ride after “six women had reported injuries to the genital area last year, and some of them had to be taken to hospital” No injuries were reported to men, and park officials blamed “the nature of the female anatomy.”

But, as The Local further reports:

 the Professional Association of Gynaecologists was sceptical. A spokeswoman said there was no medical reason why women shouldn’t use such a slide – unless they were pregnant. She said she had never heard of women suffering waterslide-related vaginal injury.

Don’t worry though, perhaps with an iron girdle, women will be able to enjoy this ride:

The park is working on building a protective suit for women to use on the slide. “Like for ice hockey,” said Maier.

Until then, men, who are known for having genitalia that are well-protected against injury by blunt force, will have the slide to themselves.

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Swimming In A Sea Of Pee

With the Olympics in full swing, The Huffington Post, bastion of fine investigative journalism, answers today’s most burning question: “Do Olympic Swimmers Pee In The Pool?” The answer, apparently, is a resounding yes, though not in the middle of races. Some even pee on the pool deck. No wonder Michael Phelps is retiring. We look forward to HuffPo sharing future Olympic facts we can’t live without.  What Olympic questions do you, dear readers, want answered? Let us know.

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It’s A Bird! It’s A Plane! Ouch, It’s A Bird!

Six Flags Great Adventure is one of the world’s best amusement parks, and its Kingda Ka roller coaster is one of the world’s best, with a height of 45 stories and top speeds of 128 miles per hour. When you’re zooming around at that speed you expect thrills, but not a bird in the face. For one young man who rode last week, he indeed experienced the unexpected.  The train was, fortunately, traveling at less than full speed, on its return to the station when the collision occurred.  The rider suffered face and neck injuries and was treated at a local hospital.

12 year old Shane Matus described what happened to him:

“When it hit me I was like, ‘What the-? Did somebody throw a ball or something?’ When I started spitting out feathers, I was like, that was a bird,” said Shane.

Shane showed NBC10 the bruises and scratches on his neck and face from where the bird struck him. Shane believes the bird was a pigeon.

“They say the bird exploded,” said Shane. “It hurt a lot for like three seconds. People behind us had feathers and blood all over them.”

The coaster was returning to the station when Shane collided with the bird. He tells NBC10 he turned his head towards the parking lot when he heard a car alarm seconds before impact.

“If that car alarm didn’t go off, it would’ve hit me dead in the eye,” said Shane.

We’re glad to hear Shane has had a fine recovery and await PETA’s protest over the bird’s treatment.

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The Urinating Pickup Artist

Timothy Paez is the man. He’s got moves that, well, nobody else has ever tried. And with good reason.  The only date he picked up last Saturday night was an arraignment date.

Paez went out to Shooter’s Bar & Grill in Boulder, Colorado. At 11:45, a woman caught his eye, and Paez knew better than to try conversation. Falling back to a favorite move, he crept up behind her, and, wordlessly put his arm around her.  The woman turned around, looked at the pathetic drunk, and said “Um, really?”

A lesser man would have been deterred, but Paez thought worse of it. Taking a step back, he dropped his pants and began urinating on the woman, perhaps reasoning that wolves mark their territory through urination. The woman turned to see the source of the liquid, expecting it was beer, and was shocked to see Paez’s exposed penis, from which a shimmering, golden stream of liquid emerged.

As this was not to her liking, the bar’s friendly staff helped Paez outside and to a local police officer.

Paez was unintelligible but managed to confess, kind of:

The officer said Paez admitted to urinating on someone, but could not clearly say who, according to the report. At one point he thought he had urinated on another male, but then retracted that statement, according to the report.

Paez was arrested on suspicion of public indecency and harassment and taken into custody.

You’ve got to be pretty far gone to know you urinated on someone, but not have any conception of who. Classy!

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McMistake: Croatian McDonald’s Covers Dead Customer With Sheet, Continues Business As Usual

What do you do when a customer keels over and dies in the middle of your fast food restaurant?  If you’re the manager of a certain Croatian McDonald’s, the answer is apparently to cover her with a sheet and continue selling your heart-stopping 

English: A Big Mac combo meal with French frie...

Big Macs and french fries. The company denies the restaurant remained open, but multiple eyewitnesses confirm that it did for nearly 2 hours until the coroner finally arrived and removed the woman’s body.

We think this is a pretty big McNoNo. There is no word on how sales numbers were during and following the incident, but we suggest Croatian diners take a McPass on this McCarbe dining experience.

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